Verbal Vampires

Ever wondered how it feels like to be a Vampire. The phenomenon in question is also something similar, but here instead of sucking the blood out of people you learn to suck another valuable resource from them, which is even more costlier than blood, their Time. Sounds wonderful.

And when the Vampire gets a taste of you, you too become a vampire. Similarly Verbal Vampirism is also highly contagious and a very effective phenomenon which can spread like wildfire once it gets hold of a person. Resilient and Highly Contagious...Once it gets hold of a brain its almost impossible to eradicate. When it is fully formed -fully understood - it sticks right in there somewhere

So if you have a question...Where do i start ...Right here and right now. Have the five golden rules in your mind and you will be the next Verbal Dracula.

Thats the introduction, now let us analyze this phenomenon of being a Verbal Vampire . To define the term, it can be defined as "Talking...Talking and Talking...little action...and again talking...And more importantly there should not be any ideas or concepts in your talks. The Talking should be for the sole purpose of gaining airtime for you and very important you should waste the time of the people around you".

And when practiced properly it will result in either a promotion if you are in a job, or it will provide you a job if you use this in group discussions, and if you are a student it can give you admission into some B schools.

Five Golden rules to start with your practice... you dont have to be a expert...just be with the flow

1) Be redundant - Nobody will realize what you said is redundant. State the obvious, in a more eloborate manner. Or if someone in the discussion had come up with a good point...restate it in a different manner. For example if someone says we can follow the waterfall methodology for this engagement...dont just say OK and stop. Say "Yes you are right...I think it should be a good idea ...if we can follow the Waterfall methodology for this engagement...". Now you gained more airtime.

2) Use Kicks - A kick is a filler, which comes handy and a very useful tool for Vampires. It is redundant repetition of words which are effective in a cumulative manner in wasting the time of others. For example instead of saying a simple "Yes" say it five times "Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes" or a simple "OK...OK...OK...OK...OK". This technique is called as the Why-5-Hi-Fi technique. This can be used if you do not have anything to say but you want to acknowledge something which someone else just said in a more emphatic fashion. It will not only provide more airtime for you..which you dont deserve ...but also give the sucker who is listening to you a feeling that you completely understood him/her.

And another technique to use for kicks is to use fillers like Basically, Actually, probably, factually, effectively, probabilistically, hmmm, huhhhh, welllll etc. This technique is called as the "Mentally ..hmmmm...welll...how can i say...actually it is called as ....Actually.....huhh.. i dont have a name basically...Wellll....Will be great....huhhhh...if you can give some suggestions....if basically actually, and economically feasible you are fine with"...

3) Desperate participation - This is a golden rule if you want to be a real vampire. This is what differentiates a rookie from a lestat or a dracula...Always and remember Always ...and trust me always... use the few extra hours or minutes of others. For example if you are in a class of 45 mins duration...Use the last 4.5 or 9 mins after the class is over for your discussion with the prof. Extend the class....The rookies will first object...but it is only a matter of time before they fall into your place...and they will also do the same in due course of time. The class should be over when you start this desperate participation of yours.. If you are in a meeting for 30 mins extend it with your nonsense for the next 6 mins of desperate participation. If you work for 8 hours use 2 more hours after the work hours to catch hold of someone to listen to you. The thumb rule is 20% of the time given to you should be extended...This will give others a feeling that for you work is more important than time...They will beleive that you dont mind running the extra mile when in reality you are making others run two miles for you on your behalf.

4) Actions ...to accompany - Remember "Words speak louder than Actions", but the right actions should always accompany your words...First and foremost...There should be action when there is no word...In a discussion you cannot be the person who always talks...sometimes others also talk...But to be a Vampire lord, you should be a action man when others talk....like repeating the last few words they say...Or like nodding your head vigorously...like if you were in a rockshow...or like converting what they speak into actions...imagine your kid when she is reciting a nursery rhyme...Actions are important. This nodding of the head is a very useful technique...if you are nodding your whole body along with the head even better...It not only gives a feeling that you completely understood them but also acts as a exercise for your neck.

5) When there is Vaccum - Vaccum is a phenomenon in which you have run out of words and actions...it occurs to everyone...First thing to do when you are in a vaccum is to understand it is normal phenomenon and every master vampire goes through it. How to overcome it?...When you dont have anyone to talk to there is your laptop.... Get into it...Shoot your mails to everyone you might know...asking for something or other.....make sure that the mail is sent in weird hours of the day like sunday evening 7:00 o clock, late night 12:00 o clock, Saturday night 2:00 clock, after you are done with your party etc. And when you are going through Vaccum, remember to run around to people or schedule random meetings , talk to them, and keep running around meeting new people...it is also a good exercise to run around. And even then if the vaccum is not filled there is a ready solution...Weather...look at the predictions of weather for a week and start your smalltalk on that. Or if the Weather is not exciting get hold of something which is exciting from google...sure there should be something available.

The post is entirely co-incidental and random ..not to say poorly prepared...and will definitely have some resemblences to people living or dead...The thumb rule of a disclaimer is : "If it resembles you it is co-incidental...and if it resembles others it is incdental. :-)"